Fear – Jennifer A. Minotti


is what I feel in the pit of my stomach, and even though the Buddhists say don’t run away, sit with it, embrace it, make it your friend, I want to say back, angrily, but this wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have to feel this to which I always know their response which is that it matters none the least whose fault it is, for there is no blame, really, this is just life and if you think that you deserve a happy life, without that familiar pit in your stomach, then you need to work harder, but those aren’t their words and I know that, but rather some convergence of what I want them to say with how I feel, because blaming somehow takes me off the hook, which is how I tell myself I got myself in this mess in the first place, because it is he and she and they who blamed me for things that I did not do and that’s not fair but that doesn’t help me now get rid of this pit in my stomach which I so desperately want to yank out and throw to the ground and stomp on, spit on, surely fling back at he and she and they who put it there, but they are no where to be found except he is still around and she is still around and on occasion they are around but even to those who are no longer around, especially to those who aren’t around, this is your fault I repeat even though I’ve played this blame game long enough to know that it never ameliorates that awful pit in my stomach, it just makes me more afraid for the future, because what if this pit in my stomach doesn’t ever go away?  How then will I know when I am afraid? 

Jennifer A. Minotti